I’ve been following Mr Whitehouse on twitter for a few months now, and to be perfectly honest, he cracks me up. I’ve collected a few of my favourite tweets from the good man himself. If you like them, you’ll be pleased to know he’s got his first book being published this June (2011) called Bed. You can also read an extract from it here. If you don’t like them, well, I don’t want to be your friend any more. Please leave.
Test your fear threshold by sitting in the dark and Googling your symptoms while listening to the Terminator soundtrack. I have genuinely just met Swedish twins in a sauna. One of them was called Michael. It wasn’t like in the movies. I’ve been given 50 iPad2’s because I was the 1000th person through the door of the Apple shop. Can’t carry them all, gonna smash them up. I’ve got so many iPad 2’s there’s nowhere to store them. Gonna use them instead of tiles on the roof. Don’t even care if it rains. In Back To The Future, Marty McFly escapes the Libyan terrorists by driving a plutonium powered car at 88mph. Worth bearing in mind, right? Now that I’ve seen it close up I can confirm that button moon was a load of old bollocks. It’s not like that at all. I can grow hairs out of my chin. Even if I shave them off, they still come back. Has anyone else got a super power? I just joined a gym, then ate a bag of chips. Our grandfathers fought for this. I’ll carry a donor card as long as you can guarantee me that in the event of my death none of my organs will go to Brian McFadden. Just cocked up my Olympics tickets application. Now I’m playing Chinese champion Wang Hao in the Table Tennis final. Thanks a bunch Seb Coe.
Test your emotional stability by listening to the ‘Birds of a Feather’ theme tune in the dark, surrounded by photos of your old family dog. They’ve sacked Charlie Sheen from Two and Half Men. If I was Steve Guttenberg, I’d be tidying my CV up. Prof Brian Cox makes telling us we’re all gonna die sound like he’s asking me if I want anything from the shop. We’re all gonna die. Haribo. I want to tell a child they’re going to Disney World just to see the look on their little face. Realistically, they’ll never afford it. Sophie Dahl married Jamie Cullum because he looks like a Quentin Blake drawing. Colonel Gaddafi looks like a drunk Lionel Richie. If you are aged between 20 and 35, chances are your dad thinks Crocodile Dundee 2 is the funniest thing he’s ever seen. For his penance they should make John Galliano wear a bagel as a hat for the rest of his life. But he probably already thought of that. Gaddafi must be terrified when he switches on his TV and sees William Hague repeatedly offering him out. Have we not get anyone harder? A war crime is ‘any devastation not justified by military or civilian necessity’. Brian McFadden’s new single is out now. Yeah, so what if I’m naked and drunk strange old lady, your kitchen is messy with kids things, so thats why I’m leaving, not cos you made me I’ve got a one track mind. Unfortunately for me it’s ‘Moving On Up’ by M People, so I might top myself. When short of stamps but desperate to post a letter, can the Queen use a passport photograph? Apparently, the girls on Take Me Out are kept like battery hens. If they don’t get picked they get put back in tiny cages for a week. Awful. Is anyone up for letting me try to save their life, and then if I manage it, telling everyone else about it? James May is Jeremy Clarkson’s wife and Richard Hammond is their dog. Why didn’t anyone tell me my trousers were fucking horrible? Just had my first Valentines sausage through the letterbox. No idea who sent it. Nice though. It didn’t smell like a sausage. It didn’t taste like a sausage. But it looked a tiny bit like a sausage, kind of, so I ate it. So they won’t let me into this mother and toddler group on the grounds that I’m not a woman and I don’t have a child. Won’t bother again. Realistically, if you were going to make a human centipede from the presenters of Top Gear, you’d put Richard fucking Hammond in the middle. Now I’ve got one egg and loads of baskets. This is a fucking nightmare. They should change the “Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace” jingle to “You’ve got lovely hair, you’ve got lovely face” If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me (one of my legs). A million people are walking in Egypt today. Everything The Bangles prophesied is coming true. Except the bit about the Eternal Flame. I don’t want to just be known as that great guy who is brilliant at stuff that everyone loves because he’s really cool. I’m more than that. I was just looking at a man thinking ‘he’s got the biggest mouth I’ve ever seen’. Then he yawned. I nearly shit myself. Why the fuck has no one thought of getting Torvill & Dean to advertise the Solero? It’s almost called Bolero. And it’s made of ice.